


The Hat Hypothesis

by Amethystina



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: And quite bad self-esteem, And the trauma that comes thereof, Because I wrote it and I can't survive without the proper amount of fluff, Cougar's Hat, Injury, Jensen has some issues, M/M, Mentions of past child abuse, The second chapter is the same events but from Cougar's POV, but it gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-01 14:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5208488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen learns not to touch Cougar's hat the hard way. He can't quite figure out what's so special about it, but Jensen decides to keep his distance — it's not like Cougar seems to want him there anyway. Fact is, Cougar might even hate him.</p><p>It takes a long while for Jensen to realize how wrong he is, and he doesn't mind it one bit when he finally does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jensen

**Author's Note:**

> I found a document on my computer with this title, and the only thing in it was a list of one-sentence scenarios involving Cougar’s hat. I have no idea what my plans for it were, but I didn’t particularly care as I dusted it off, changed things around and wrote this. I think I was in a relatively bad mood at the time, since it’s… well, not dark or anything, but I usually try to avoid making my fics too gloomy. Let's just say that it's slightly less fluffy than my usual fics, but ends happily so all is still well in the end, yeah?
> 
> I'm doing my best to work through my backlog of not-yet-posted Losers one shots, but I have so. Many. This one was written back in April and I still have six more to go. Why do I write so much?

 

The first time Jensen tried to touch Cougar's hat he can admit that he did it on purpose, but only because he had no idea what the repercussions would be. If he _had_ known, well, then he might actually have been more careful.

He had only been with the team for about two months and had, in all honesty, shown a lot of restraint considering how lacking his impulse control usually was. Jensen liked to touch and poke and he liked to touch and poke Cougar in particular, but he tried not to be too obvious about it. No one might be asking but Jensen wasn't very good at not telling, be it with words or actions.

Being transferred to a new team was never easy, even with the kind of practice Jensen had, and he expected the adjustment period to be a bit shaky for all parties involved. It didn't surprise him that Roque seemed inches from gutting him some days or that Clay preferred not to talk to him unless he could also order him to shut up, but Jensen didn't let that stop him.

Pooch was nice. He was friendly and dependable, but still far from naïve. Jensen liked Pooch a lot, because he seemed to function as a moral compass for the team, which was probably necessary considering the work they did.

Well, Pooch _and_ Cougar filled that role, to be fair, but Cougar rarely spoke up about anything, so it was less obvious.

Cougar was the one that _really_ got Jensen interested. Not only because of the obvious things, like his good looks and the fact that he seemed to be Jensen's complete opposite in pretty much everything, but because there was just _so much_ of him. There were so many secrets hiding beneath that calm, cool surface that Jensen couldn't help being intrigued.

And him being intrigued meant that he went poking where he really shouldn't.

In this case it included Cougar's hat which, in retrospect, was one of Jensen's least intelligent ideas — and there had been a fair few of those in his life.

It was during a mission, first of all — the entire team armed to the teeth — which most sane people would have taken as a sign not to aggravate the elusive, Special Forces-trained sniper. But Jensen was bored and the first thing that went out the window when he was bored was his common sense, quickly followed by his instinct of self-preservation.

Jensen could admit that Cougar's insistence not to react to any of the shit Jensen pulled was one of the reasons that he kept trying to get closer. It became a bit of an obsession, really. Jensen had never met a person he couldn't manipulate more or less successfully, most of them never even realizing what he was doing in the first place.

Except Cougar.

He didn't fall for Jensen's attempts at playing dumb — like Roque and Clay so easily did, underestimating Jensen to the point where it was almost insulting — or tried to be nice to him like Pooch did, because he thought Jensen needed a caretaker. Both were ways to angle the situation to his liking and maintain a certain level of control, without people knowing that he did.

Jensen didn't do it to be mean. It just so happened that it was one of the few ways he knew how to survive amongst such dangerous people. It had taken years to perfect it to the near art it was now, and it came naturally, without effort or conscious thought — like any other habit.

From an early age Jensen had learned the importance of what to say and when, always knowing that one misplaced word or flinch could result in painful bruises. He was a master at playing roles he didn't particularly care for, but in order to survive it was a small price to pay.

He wasn't proud over it — faking usually left him feeling drained and hollow — but it made him able to pass under people's radar. It was handy to be dismissed as inconsequential or a nuisance, since it left him free to do a lot of things he wouldn't otherwise get away with.

Cougar didn't fall for any of it. He seemed to see through Jensen's attempts at establishing some kind of balance between them, as well as the many faces — some of them faked — that Jensen showed to the world. Cougar just wouldn't let Jensen get the upper hand, and it was both frustrating and intriguing.

Mostly intriguing.

This could explain why Jensen found it suitable to saunter up to Cougar that day — boredom and curiosity was a particularly bad combination.

Cougar was looking over the maps of the compound they were going to infiltrate, probably trying to predict blind spots and vantage points, or whatever it was that snipers did. The maps were spread out on the rickety table that squeaked whenever someone as much as nudged it, but Jensen only gave them a cursory glance. They weren't what interested him.

"So what's with the hat?" Jensen asked, missing how Pooch's head snapped up in alarm. Jensen was too focused on Cougar, who didn't even glance in Jensen's direction. "I've barely seen you without it."

Jensen reached out but didn't even manage to touch the brim before he felt fingers wrap around his wrist and his hand was slammed onto the tabletop. It didn't actually hurt as much as it startled him. He hadn't even seen Cougar move, and instincts told Jensen to either fight back or retreat.

He ended up doing neither, heart in his throat and hand pinned to the tabletop by Cougar's grip. Dark eyes met Jensen's. Cougar didn't look angry, exactly, but there was a clear threat in his gaze none the less.

"Don't touch the hat." Cougar enunciated the words with extra care, as if he thought that Jensen would be too stupid to understand otherwise.

And, yeah, he might have a point there — Jensen was notoriously bad at backing off when he found something that interested him. The team knew that after two months in Jensen's company. But he felt unexpectedly frightened by the look in Cougar's eyes, and consequentially more prone to listen. Roque's macho bullshit and threats of violence didn't scare him, but this was something else. It was calm, calculated, and _ruthless_.

Jensen hadn't meant to provoke that. He was just curious.

He swallowed harshly.

"Yeah, sure. Sorry. I'm sorry." He was almost babbling, but he thought he couldn't be blamed for that. He didn't even dare to tug his hand back.

Cougar kept staring at him, long enough to make a shiver race down Jensen's spine.

"Cougar." Clay sounded both exasperated and reprimanding. "Will you stop traumatizing the new tech?"

Jensen hadn't even heard Clay come in, but he did see the concerned look on Pooch's face. As soon as Cougar let go Jensen made a hasty retreat, eyes downcast and chest tight.

He knew that he and Cougar weren't friends — Jensen wasn't even sure how to _be_ someone's friend, on accounts of never having had any — but he hadn't quite expected that kind of treatment, either. It was his own fault to a certain degree, he knew that, but Cougar hadn't exactly tried to hold back. Jensen was still a teammate, even if he had yet to learn the ropes.

How was he supposed to know that touching Cougar's hat was some kind of taboo?

Jensen needed to be more careful. He should have taken the time to figure out if Cougar was ignoring him because he was more tolerant, or because he didn't want Jensen to be there in the first place. It seemed to be leaning towards the latter, considering that none of the others — not even Roque — had actually gone far enough to lash out.

Keeping a distance from Cougar seemed like a good idea.

"I'm sorry," Jensen mumbled again, not really sure who he was talking to.

He left the room without looking back.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen actually _did_ touch the hat, he did so without thinking.

He had given Cougar a wide berth for months, at least when it concerned invading his physical space. Talking was another matter entirely since Jensen couldn't stop doing that even if he tried. And fact was that Cougar didn't seem to mind it as much as Jensen had first thought.

For being so silent, Cougar didn't seem awfully concerned about silence.

Or maybe Jensen had finally grown on him.

Jensen had even managed to make Cougar smile a couple of times, which he felt infinitely proud over. He _liked_ Cougar, even if he was also a tiny bit terrified of him — a fact Jensen usually tried to ignore or deny. Cougar was still distant and occasionally dismissive, but not outright hostile.

So it seemed wholly reasonable to walk up to Cougar where he sat on a lawn chair on the back porch of the team's shared house. His hat was pulled down low over his eyes and his posture was relaxed. It looked like he might be sleeping, but Jensen knew better; there was no such thing as sneaking up on Cougar. Jensen had tried numerous times, but Cougar always heard him. So if anything Cougar was faking sleep in order to make Jensen go away.

"What's up?" he asked, hands shoved into his pockets while weighting back and forth on his heels.

Cougar didn't answer — not much of a surprise there.

"You know I won't give up so you might as well answer." Jensen had obnoxious down to an art, but Cougar was admittedly more resilient than most.

Over the past couple of months Jensen had learned that it was good to be wary of Cougar — in a way that he never had to be around the others — but he wasn't a bad person, quite the opposite, really. Cougar didn't seem to like Jensen all that much, but he had begun to tolerate him.

So Jensen waited a couple of seconds before crouching down next to Cougar's chair, reaching out to lift Cougar's hat just enough to be able to see his eyes. Jensen was smiling, going for the boyish, innocent charm that usually got him what he wanted.

It was when their gazes met that Jensen realized what he had done. His smile froze. He hadn't seen that cold, hard look in Cougar's eyes for months, but it was enough to make Jensen's heart stutter to a stop.

He caught a movement in the corner of his eye.

Jensen recoiled so fast that he fell backwards, barely having time to brace his hands against the wooden planks underneath him. He would probably have ended up flat on his back otherwise.

Cougar leaned forward, making Jensen flinch and scurry further away, well out of reach.

"I'm sorry! Sorry!" Jensen hated how frightened he sounded. Reflexes he thought he had outgrown years ago kicked in, making him cower, face angled to protect both his nose and glasses. "I promise I won't do it again. I promise."

Nothing happened.

Jensen swallowed and dared to glance up. Cougar was staring at him, but it wasn't due to anger. He looked shocked — alarmed, even.

Jensen realized he had just painted an incredibly vivid picture of what his childhood had been like, without a single word. Understanding was dawning on Cougar face and Jensen knew that pity was most likely to follow.

Shit.

The fear was long gone — Jensen knew deep down that Cougar would never actually hit him — but the threat of it lingered. It always did. Jensen had never been able to shake it, ever since he was a kid, not entirely. It was hardwired into his very bones by then, to shy away from that kind of danger.

And now Cougar knew about it too.

Jensen scrambled to his feet, refusing to look at Cougar. His heart was thundering in his chest and the bitter taste of shame lurked at the back of this throat. When would he ever stop making such messes?

"Bye," he mumbled hastily, before practically diving for the door leading back into the house.

Cougar didn't ask him to stop. Why would he? Jensen was the one with the issues; Cougar was probably relieved that he didn't have to deal with them.

Jensen told himself that it was out of consideration for Cougar that he locked himself into his room for the rest of the day, but it had more to do with his own pride and vulnerability. He didn't usually jump at shadows like that — he had never done it with Cougar before — but for a split second Jensen had seen something that scared him. He hadn't known what that movement in the corner of his eye had been intended as.

Or maybe he had just been shocked that after six months he still felt like he was intruding. Like maybe Jensen had stepped over the line by assuming that he was in any way welcome in Cougar's presence. Like maybe Cougar didn't want him there in the first place, just like Jensen had suspected all along.

Jensen still didn't know why Cougar was so protective over his hat, but it was beginning to become obvious that if things continued like this Jensen would have to seriously consider not talking to Cougar at all. He wasn't _trying_ to annoy the man, but it seemed like he accidentally managed anyway, and Jensen didn't particularly like feeling a need to recoil from people he considered his teammates and friends.

They were friends by then, right?

Jensen's heart sank when he realized that he couldn't actually be certain of that. Cougar certainly gave no hints, except that he seemed to put up with Jensen for longer periods of time than the others did. But that could be because he was so resilient and better at tuning him out.

Yeah, that was probably it. Cougar was good at ignoring him. Cougar probably didn't care if Jensen was there or not, because he was too insignificant to take note of.

Cougar couldn't care less about Jensen and his stupid antics.

Jensen was so caught up in his own thoughts that he didn't hear the soft knock on his door, or the hesitating, retreating footsteps a minute later, near soundless as they were.

 

* * *

 

The second time Jensen touched the hat it was for practical reasons, and he didn't reflect on having done so until much later. He was far too busy dodging bullets to worry about what Cougar would think about Jensen touching his hat, since it would have been lost in the Peruvian jungle if not for him. That surely nullified any accidental transgressions.

A sharp left and a split second was all Jensen needed to snatch Cougar's hat from the ground, not even breaking his stride. Roque was tasked with supporting Cougar and Jensen caught up with them in a matter of seconds, uninjured as he was. He stopped only long enough to put the hat back on Cougar's head before turning to return fire on the pursuing gun runners, hoping to give Cougar and Roque time to retreat.

Jensen completely missed the stunned look on Cougar's face, and even if he hadn't, he would have attributed it to the bleeding hole in Cougar's leg rather than what Jensen had just done.

Because Cougar didn't actually care all that much about Jensen, did he?

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen wore the hat he was so weak from the blood loss and heat that he actually thought he was delusional and had to be imagining the whole thing. As if Cougar would ever lend _Jensen_ his _hat_.

Then again, Jensen wasn't the most reliable witness due to the aforementioned blood loss. At first, all he could think about was that the sun was killing him. He sighed from relief when it suddenly disappeared, leaving his face in blessed shade.

"How is he?" That sounded like Clay — a very concerned Clay, but still Clay.

The silence was obviously telling enough, since it was followed by a sharp curse that Jensen thought might have come from Pooch. But he wasn't sure. He was too busy reclining against what he assumed was a particularly uncomfortable rock. It was digging into his back.

"Water," Cougar demanded.

Jensen was rather thirsty too, now that he thought about it. He would have asked Cougar to share if he hadn't been so certain that Cougar hated him.

He felt strong but gentle fingers angle his head upright, not quite sure when it had rolled to the side.

"Jensen. Drink."

It was an effort to open his eyes and Jensen couldn't remember exactly when he had closed them. Or exactly where he was, for that matter.

Cougar was crouching next to him, holding out a canteen. That was very considerate of him and Jensen drank gratefully with Cougar's help, trying not to gag when he became all the more aware of the heavy, metallic taste in his mouth.

"We need to get going. We can call for emergency pickup if we make it to the clearing south from there."

Jensen couldn't make out if Clay was talking to them or to Roque. Or Pooch? Jensen was too busy squinting at Cougar, trying to figure out what was different. It was almost embarrassing how long it took him to figure out. He should have guessed it right away, what with the worried look on Cougar's face.

"Whers your hat?" he slurred.

Cougar frowned in confusion before he reached out and flicked that thing at the top of Jensen's field of vision that he had assumed was, well — he wasn't entirely sure what he had assumed it was. Not Cougar's hat at least, because that meant it wasn't lost and Cougar had no reason to look so devastated.

But at least that explained why the sun was gone.

"Huh," was all Jensen could think of saying. He smiled, ignoring just how few of his limbs he could still feel. "Hey, Cougar?"

He waited until Cougar was meeting his eyes — or as much as one was able to when Jensen could barely see straight.

"If I die, could you do me a f-favor and pretend that you liked me on my funeral?" Jensen forced his voice to remain stable, swallowing down the taste of blood. "I think Jess would feel better if she gets to believe that I had f-friends."

" _¿Qué?_ " Cougar looked horrified. Like Jensen had asked him something shocking.

Jensen hadn't thought his request was _that_ out of line.

He sighed, feeling his chest clench. He was impressed he could still feel anything at all.

"Never mind. Stupid to a-ask." Jensen closed his eyes. "You know, if there's one thing I regret it's how much you hate me..."

"Jensen, I don't—"

Jensen didn't hear the rest, slipping gratefully into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen was entrusted to keep the hat safe he thought Cougar was going insane. Or that Jensen was so high on painkillers that he had started hallucinating.

Cougar never went _anywhere_ without the hat.

But there he was, in Jensen's hospital room, placing it on the tiny table next to Jensen's bed.

Jensen stared.

"You— _what_?" he asked dumbly, not sure if he had heard right.

He was still reeling from the missions that had landed him in the hospital in the first place. He also had a vague memory of saying some very embarrassing things to Cougar that he would rather not face, but denial and memory loss only did so much, apparently.

"I'm leaving it here," Cougar repeated firmly, his expression almost annoyingly calm.

"But... why? You're going on a mission!" Jensen exclaimed.

He wasn't entirely happy to hear that the team was sent off without him, but he guessed that proved just how replaceable people were. To be fair, though, he had already been stuck in bed for three weeks and had about three more to go, so he could understand if the higher ups would rather replace him for a mission or two than wait for his full recovery.

What he didn't understand was why Cougar had decided that leaving his hat behind was a good idea. It was the weirdest idea Cougar had ever had. Not that Cougar had a lot of weird ideas that Jensen knew of, but that only made this one all the more unsettling.

"You keep it safe."

Jensen swallowed, glancing at the hat then back up at Cougar. Was it a test? Was Cougar trying to set things up so that he could punish Jensen for losing it? Cougar wouldn't do that, would he? He might not like Jensen, but he had never seemed that petty.

"I don't think—"

"Why do you think I hate you?" Cougar interrupted.

It took a moment before Jensen could answer.

"I don't really know..." It was the truth, sadly enough. It was just a feeling he had, because he couldn't quite understand the signals Cougar was sending.

"Are you afraid of me?"

Jensen shook his head. He _had been_ , during those first couple of months, but that wasn't what Cougar was asking, was it? It had taken a while but Jensen had realized that whatever anger Cougar had shown during those first two times when he had touched the hat were isolated incidents and far from the norm. On an everyday basis Cougar rarely made a fuss.

He was actually quite comfortable to be around, simply for how calm and down-to-earth he was. Jensen had made a habit out of using him as a way to ground himself. There was just something awfully comforting about Cougar's presence, and luckily enough for Jensen, he could get that security and stability without having to do much more than be in the same room as him. Cougar didn't need to know.

Jensen liked Cougar a lot and wanted desperately to be his friend, but every time he thought he might be gaining ground he was reminded of how Cougar always kept him at arm's length. He might not talk much to the others, but Jensen he flat out ignored.

"Then why are you so worried?" Cougar asked, his voice taking on a soft cadence that Jensen had never heard before. It made his heart skip a beat.

Jensen licked his lips and looked down at his hands, which were plucking nervously at the blanket spread over his lap.

"Because I don't know what you're trying to achieve. I can't read you as well as I would like, so I don't know if you do it to punish me or mess with me or—"

Jensen jumped in surprise when Cougar touched his arm. It was gentle — just a brief brush of fingertips against Jensen's bare skin — but he hadn't expected it. He stared up at Cougar, eyes wide.

"I don't hate you." Cougar's smile was sad, but his fingers were warm when he wrapped them around Jensen's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Jensen barely dared to breathe.

"For making you believe I did."

Jensen looked down at their hands, not knowing what to think. He was hopeful, he couldn't deny that, but also wary.

"I want us to be friends," Jensen mumbled, feeling his cheeks flush from embarrassment when he realized how pathetic he sounded.

Cougar gave his hand another squeeze.

"I will visit later," Cougar said, and when he backed away Jensen knew that he did so because he had to leave, rather than wanting to distance himself. Cougar nudged the hat next to Jensen's bed. "You keep it safe."

Jensen finally understood what all of this was about, when he saw the serious look on Cougar's face.

Trust.

Cougar wasn't trying to trick Jensen into anything — he wanted to show that he trusted him. He was giving Jensen control over his most cherished possession, in hopes of sending a message.

Jensen received it loud and clear, even if he wasn't entirely sure why he was given the opportunity to begin with. It made him feel all kinds of things, most of them lodging like a lump in his throat, until all he could do was nod mutely.

Cougar's smile was achingly gentle.

"We _are_ friends, Jensen," he said softly. "I thought you knew that."

Then, with a simple nod and that lingering smile, he turned and left.

 

* * *

 

The third time Jensen touched the hat he did so knowingly, as a part of an experiment.

Once Cougar came back from his mission and visited like he had promised, Jensen realized that Cougar might have been right. They did seem to be friends, even if it was a very unconventional friendship. So unconventional that Jensen hadn't even known where to look, but now that he did, it sort of made sense.

It turned out that Cougar had been listening.

Jensen had always assumed that Cougar hadn't, because he barely reacted to anything Jensen said, but when asked Cougar could recollect entire conversations. Well, monologues, and he never recited them word for word because Cougar didn't have all that many in him, but he had obviously paid attention.

When Jensen thought back on the past couple of months he realized that Cougar never actually turned away when Jensen started talking. There were even times when Cougar had made an effort to face him, turning slightly in his chair or shifting an inch to the side, so that Jensen wasn't ranting at his back.

Jensen could remember the serene look that had always been on Cougar's face during those times.

Before, Jensen had thought that was because Cougar was tuning him out, but now he wasn't so sure anymore. Cougar had been listening. And what did that imply about all the other times when Jensen had thought that he knew was Cougar was up to? Had he let his frustration over not being able to read Cougar make sure that he couldn't?

It was definitely worth a second look.

Cougar came back from the mission, reclaimed his hat, and spent hours by Jensen's bedside, just listening to Jensen talk. That very same look was on his face the entire time, showing a kind of contentment that couldn't be faked. Cougar wasn't smiling, not quite, but the more Jensen looked the more aware he became of the smaller shifts — the nuances that few noticed.

It suddenly made sense why Jensen had misinterpreted Cougar's behavior, because his perception had been colored by his first impressions. He hadn't quite been able to let go of that feeling that he needed to be on his guard around Cougar. It was a legitimate concern considering what had happened when Jensen had tried to touch Cougar's hat, but that was so long ago that it was barely relevant. They hadn't known each other back then, and maybe they didn't now, either — at least not as well as Jensen would like — but they could rectify that.

Jensen spent a lot of time with Cougar after that.

He catalogued all of Cougar's non-verbal cues — the head-tilts, subtle gestures, and his various smiles — slowly but surely realizing that those were a language all on their own. One that only Cougar spoke. Jensen didn't stop until he was fluent. His need to learn wasn't just founded in curiosity, but his innate need to get closer.

Cougar seemed ready to let him in.

The physical bit was the most difficult one. Jensen was tactile by nature but he had learned not to breach Cougar's personal space unless absolutely necessary. It was a difficult habit to break, at least in the beginning.

It was hesitant the first couple of times; just a tiny nudge there or a tap to gain Cougar's attention — as if Jensen was nervously testing the waters. Cougar didn't seem to mind. He let Jensen close, often giving him fond smiles in return.

How was Jensen supposed to resist that?

With everything he had learned about Cougar — how kind he was, if you just knew where to look — it suddenly became almost addicting to touch him. Jensen made sure never to be too intrusive, of course, but it was difficult to resist the simple, everyday touches.

Before he knew it, he had managed to get so close that he could barely tell where he ended and Cougar began. If Cougar had anything against it he never said so, and even if the rest of the team gave them a couple of odd looks they usually just let them be.

Clay seemed relieved that Jensen had calmed down — it was one of the side-effects of prolonged exposure to Cougar — and would probably accept whatever weirdly intimate relationship Cougar and Jensen had for that fact alone. Jensen felt himself settle more and more, until he could actually hear himself think over the clamor in his own head, and didn't feel a need to gesture and talk all the time.

He felt safe.

Cougar made him feel safe. It was a foreign, but definitely not unwelcome, feeling and Jensen chose to wholeheartedly embrace the security it offered.

He wasn't entirely sure what he gave Cougar in return — he didn't want to ask — but he knew that Cougar trusted him, which was more than enough in Jensen's book.

That was also why he decided to knowingly touch Cougar's hat.

It was an experiment — a test, of sorts — to see just what would happen if someone Cougar really cared about did it. Jensen knew that he had been out of line after only two months of acquaintance, but would it be different now? After everything they had been through, and with the unshakable friendship that was building between them, he was pretty sure it would be.

Pooch seemed to think Jensen was insane, which wasn't entirely unfounded, Jensen supposed.

"He's going to shoot you," Pooch warned. He was sitting by the kitchen table, looking through the sports section of the morning paper.

"I don't think he will." Jensen was pouring himself more coffee. He wasn't sure if it was his third or fourth cup, but he guessed that he would notice depending on how high he got once the caffeine kicked in.

Unless Pooch had bought decaf again, the traitor.

"Oh yeah?" Pooch had the marvelous skill of managing to sound completely engaged in whatever Jensen was saying, even if half of his attention was directed at the newspaper. Jensen wished he had that skill. It would make briefings a lot easier on his part, and make Clay less likely to yell at him for seeming unfocused.

"Yeah. I have this theory, you see, that I'm calling The Hat Hypothesis." Jensen rested the small of his back against the kitchen counter, facing Pooch with a wide grin.

"This is going to be good," Pooch mumbled.

Jensen chose to take that as encouragement.

"I'm still not sure why no one is allowed to touch his hat, but I suspect it has to do with territory rather than the item itself."

"Cougar? Territorial? However did you figure that one out?"

"Not helping. Sarcasm, though entertaining, is not very scientific," Jensen replied primly. Pooch gave him an amused look that Jensen completely ignored. "I'm just saying that I think it's about trust and boundaries. He doesn't want people to touch it because it's an invasion of space."

Pooch shrugged.

"Sounds reasonable."

He wasn't nearly as impressed as Jensen had hoped.

"So," he continued a bit more loudly, as if to ensure that he still had Pooch's attention, "I think one can also measure Cougar's level of trust and affection depending on how close you're allowed to get to The Hat."

"You're capitalizing it in your head, aren't you?" Pooch teased, but he sounded endeared, if anything. Jensen could live with that.

"Totally am," he confessed. "All I want is to put it to the test."

"By touching the hat."

"Yes, by touching The Hat."

Pooch sighed in that suffering manner people often ended up doing when Jensen had been talking for too long.

"Your funeral."

"Actually not, because according to my calculations I should at least be able to touch it without him reacting." Jensen looked down at his coffee, wondering if it would be such a good idea to drink it after all. He might already be going on a slightly higher gear than recommended.

"Out of sheer curiosity — although God knows why I'm stupid enough to be curious about this hypothesis of yours — what good does it actually _do_?" Pooch asked while reaching for his own coffee cup.

Jensen tilted his head to the side.

"Well, it's a simple way to know where we stand, I guess."

"So touching the hat means that you're really good friends?" Pooch took a sip from his coffee while Jensen nodded. "What are you if you're allowed to take the hat from him without repercussions?"

"Having sex."

Pooch promptly choked on his coffee.

"But I won't know for sure until I've tried, I guess," Jensen mused, ignoring Pooch's splutters and gasps for breath.

"Tried having sex with him or take his hat?" Pooch wheezed, voice pitched higher than usual.

"Either. Both. Whichever comes first?" Jensen replied, trying not to smile too smugly when Pooch hid his face in his hands and mumbled something about 'over-sharing.'

Not that Jensen had any plans of testing that specific part of his theory without expressed approval from Cougar. _He_ wouldn't mind giving it a go — Cougar was closer to Jensen than a mere friend by then — but whether it went both ways was difficult to say.

Jensen was just about to turn and pour his coffee down the drain when Cougar walked into the kitchen, giving Pooch a concerned look. He faced Jensen next, the question written clearly across his face.

"He's fine," Jensen said.

"He's _not_ fine," Pooch grumbled, lowering his hands to glare at Jensen, who adopted a look of saint-like innocence.

Cougar ignored them both, too busy staring sullenly at the coffee maker — the very empty coffee maker. Jensen grinned and gave Pooch a wink before reaching out, nudging Cougar's hat higher so that he could meet his eyes.

"You can have mine," he offered, holding out the coffee cup.

Cougar gave him a calm, level stare, and Jensen could tell that Pooch was holding his breath. But, just like Jensen had predicted, nothing happened. Well, except for Cougar taking the offered cup, mumbling a thank you in Spanish, and walking out again.

Jensen leaned back against the counter, crossed his arms over his chest, and gave Pooch a brilliant smile.

Pooch raised his hands in surrender.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen took Cougar's hat from him he knew it was a gamble, which was why he made sure to do so in the quiet of their own home, when the others were out. Pooch was on a date with Jolene while Clay and Roque were supposedly out drinking, or possibly picking fights — probably both, knowing those two.

Jensen was understandably nervous.

He was sure about what he wanted, though. It didn't surprise him in the least that his and Cougar's complicated form of friendship — that was more of a co-existence, really — had evolved into something that made him yearn for Cougar in a sexual capacity. He had him in pretty much every other way, so it only made sense, right?

That didn't account for what Cougar might be feeling, however. They were undeniably close, but trying to figure out if Cougar was interested in men as well as women proved to be too big of a challenge for Jensen. So he figured that he might as well put his theory to the test and ride out whatever disaster he might bring about with it.

Cougar looked up from his book when Jensen slipped inside his room, but didn't seem concerned. Jensen visiting wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Neither was it for Jensen to take a seat on Cougar's bed, his hip pressed against Cougar's thigh. Cougar kept reading, but had to be aware of Jensen planning something, even if he didn't know what.

Jensen took a moment to study him — to appreciate Cougar's handsome features, and just how much Jensen wanted to reach out and run his fingers through Cougar's hair. He had always wanted to do that; Cougar's hair looked incredibly touchable.

Jensen held off that particular impulse, however, reaching out for Cougar's hat instead. Jensen was surprised that his hands didn't shake, but that might have been because he was determined to follow through, despite the nervous tickle in his gut.

Cougar stopped reading, his gaze snapping up to meet Jensen's, just when Jensen lifted the hat from his head. It was only through sheer force of will that Jensen managed to complete the movement. He settled the hat in his lap before looking at Cougar, who was tilting his head to the side. He looked thoughtful, but absolutely calm. It was surprisingly endearing.

Jensen smiled.

"I have this theory," he explained, fingers running along the brim of Cougar's hat, "that I wouldn't be able to do this unless it's also okay for me to do another thing I really want to do. Have _been wanting_ to do, for weeks now."

Cougar raised an eyebrow. He looked amused, as if he could guess what was coming next. He probably could; Cougar was far too attentive to have missed out on Jensen's not so secret crush on him.

Cougar calmly closed his book, which Jensen knew was as much of an invitation as he was going to get.

Jensen was still in no hurry when he leaned in, angling his head just so, and pressed a soft kiss to Cougar's lips. The kiss was sweet, the touch chaste and innocent, accompanied by the wild, hopeful thumping of Jensen's heart. Jensen reveled in it — just a couple of seconds of absolute bliss — before he pulled back to meet Cougar's gaze.

"Okay?" It wasn't the most eloquent way of asking if he had just ruined their near-perfect friendship, but it would have to do.

Cougar smiled, raising his hand to run his thumb along Jensen's jaw. He looked unmistakably pleased.

" _Sí_."

Jensen couldn't help grinning before leaning in for another kiss — this one much deeper — Cougar's hat resting safely in his lap.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) betaed as always (you'd think she's grown tired of my fics by now, but apparently not) and the original post on Tumblr can be found [HERE](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/post/116834816135/the-hat-hypothesis)


	2. Cougar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. [Patch](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Patch/pseuds/Patch) offered to sell me their hypothetical firstborn if I wrote this story from Cougar's POV (or was it a second chapter following the first story? Not sure! So you're getting the same story but from Cougar's POV) And like my beta and fiancée said: "Well, that's a lot easier than going through the adoption process." So approximately four days later, here we are!
> 
> No, but really: this is one of those fics where it's almost two different stories depending on who tells it, so it actually seemed worth writing. It will hurt, though. I'm honestly not sure whose POV is the most painful...
> 
> ALSO there's an added bonus scene there at the end, just for your enjoyment. Have fun, my lovelies!

 

The first time Jensen tried to touch Cougar's hat he could admit that he overreacted. He had only known Jensen for two months but it was already obvious that Jensen's impulse control wasn't the best, _and_ that he had no idea how defensive Cougar could get over his personal space. In all honesty, it was surprising that Jensen hadn't attempted to touch the hat earlier.

Gaining a new team member was always an adjustment and Cougar hadn't known what to think of Jake Jensen when they had been introduced. He looked carefree and friendly at first glance, which had only made Cougar more suspicious. He'd heard about Jensen before he joined the Losers, mostly because he was rumored to be some kind of genius with computers.

Cougar only had to look him in the eye once to realize that computers weren't the only thing Jensen was frighteningly good at.

In a matter of minutes Jensen had managed to pinpoint exactly where to push in order to rile Roque up, but also how to seem weak enough that Roque wouldn't retaliate. Pooch was snared by Jensen's almost childish vulnerability, and Clay fell for Jensen's submissive posture and goofy comments, not once thinking to look for the razor sharp intellect underneath.

To be entirely honest, Cougar was _terrified_ of Jensen those first couple of weeks.

It felt as if someone had dropped a sociopath into their midst. Jensen knew exactly what to say and do to get what he wanted, and worse than that — he did it so _easily_. It seemed to be second nature to him, to smoothly work his way through a person's defenses, until he had them exactly where he wanted. There was no way to fight it — the others weren't even aware of what was happening — and Cougar had no idea what to do about it.

He wasn't even sure if there was anything he _could_ do.

Jensen was fickle and so impossible to pin down that Cougar had no idea how to fight back. Jensen seemed to be five people at once, switching between them when needed and never showing what he was actually thinking. Cougar was usually good at reading people but he couldn't get a grip on Jensen — certainly not enough to say that he knew the man.

Cougar had never met _anyone_ who could outsmart him so completely, and he was both reluctantly impressed and understandably wary.

In the end, all he could do was to refuse to submit to Jensen's attempts to manipulate him. Cougar knew Jensen wasn't stupid, defenseless, or to be underestimated, and he wasn't going to fall for the same tricks the others had.

Cougar took pleasure in seeing the confusion that caused. It seemed to be the first time Jensen had run into that kind of resistance, and it was obvious that he was fumbling for a solution. He tried again and again to establish some semblance of balance between then, but Cougar was too suspicious to let him.

Somewhere along the way Cougar realized that Jensen wasn't doing it to be mean, though. Fact was, he seemed unsure and lost without it — as if he didn't know how to function if he couldn't maintain a certain level of control over the situation. The thought was slightly worrying, since that might very well be a sign of mental health issues, but Cougar was far from an expert.

Mostly, he just tried to treat Jensen like any other teammate and ignore the rest.

He couldn't deny that Jensen still put him on edge sometimes. Jensen would smile and laugh, playing the goof, but Cougar knew that behind all that he was incredibly intelligent and — judging by the ease with which he manipulated those around him — had the potential to be both devious and ruthless.

So maybe Cougar couldn't be blamed for reacting the way he did when Jensen sidled up to him during a mission in Argentina. Cougar was busy strategizing for the coming assault and really wasn't in the mood for Jensen's antics — for those he needed his full attention, and that wasn't something he could offer at the moment.

"So what's with the hat?" Jensen asked. "I've barely seen you without it."

Of all the things he could have said, that was not what Cougar had expected; a random fact about the mating cycle of giraffes would have been more likely.

When Cougar caught a movement in the corner of his eye he reacted on instinct. It wasn't so much that Jensen was reaching for his hat as Cougar not being sure if he wanted the other in his personal space. Cougar trusted Jensen during their missions, sure — he had proven to be a dependable soldier — but Cougar was hesitant to call him a friend.

Jensen still wouldn't show who he really was.

Cougar grabbed Jensen's wrist and slammed his hand down onto the rickety table. Had this been a stranger Cougar might even have reached for one of his knives to strengthen his point, but that clearly wasn't necessary with Jensen.

When their gazes locked Cougar felt a stab of guilt. Jensen looked terrified — and not in the way people usually did when they were startled. Jensen stood frozen stiff, his eyes wide and expression blank. It was as if he had shut down entirely, to the point where Cougar wasn't even sure if Jensen was still breathing.

He told himself that was Jensen's own fault for taking liberties, but Cougar knew he was being unfair. Jensen didn't know all the unspoken rules yet, but Cougar supposed this was as good a time as any to teach him one of them.

"Don't touch the hat."

Jensen swallowed, his eyes still alarmingly vacant.

"Yeah, sure. Sorry. I'm sorry," he said hastily, his tone too close to panic for Cougar's liking. That might be hypocritical of him since he was the one who caused it, but Cougar couldn't help feeling that something was genuinely wrong. Jensen's reaction wasn't just from fear of getting reprimanded — his voice held an edge of desperation that made Cougar's skin crawl.

Cougar didn't even realize that he'd been standing there, just staring at Jensen, until Clay spoke up.

"Cougar." Clay was not pleased. "Will you stop traumatizing the new tech?"

Cougar let go, feeling yet another wave of guilt when he saw how quickly Jensen shied away from him, gaze turned downward and shoulders hunched. This wasn't one of the times when he was trying to make himself seem more vulnerable than he actually was — Jensen was genuinely frightened.

Cougar had done that.

"I'm sorry," Jensen mumbled, his voice heartbreakingly timid. This was probably the closest Cougar had ever come to seeing the real Jensen, but he felt no satisfaction whatsoever.

When Jensen turned and rushed out of the room Cougar wanted to call him back and apologize. He hadn't meant to scare Jensen and he certainly hadn't meant to make him look so miserable.

"Was that really necessary, Cougar?" Clay asked.

Cougar swallowed, returning his gaze to the maps of the compound they were about to attack. He already felt ashamed — he didn't need to see the reprimanding look on Clay's face. Or Pooch's for that matter.

Eventually, the only thing he managed was a shake of his head — Jensen hadn't deserved that.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen _did_ touch the hat, Cougar was pretty sure it was by accident. Mostly because Jensen had started giving Cougar a wide berth ever since the mission in Argentina, his shoulders tense despite the smile on his face.

Jensen never came close enough to touch, as if he was afraid that Cougar would lash out again. He didn't avoid anyone else on the team — just Cougar. Pooch got rough but hearty hugs on an almost daily basis, and Jensen seemed incapable of not nudging and poking both Clay and Roque, despite how much they disliked it.

Cougar realized, with a painful clench, that Jensen must be afraid of him. It might not be consciously, but Jensen shied away from him in a way that was far too consistent to just be because of dislike. He did it instinctively.

He still talked, though. Jensen seemed surprisingly fond of ranting in front of Cougar, to the point where it became more or less routine — and Cougar found himself listening more often than he thought he would. The amount of knowledge Jensen kept inside that head of his was truly astounding, and Cougar couldn't help being fascinated. He still couldn't quite make sense of who Jensen really was, but as the weeks passed, he grew more and more fond of him all the same.

The vulnerability Jensen had a tendency to flaunt in order to get what he wanted wasn't entirely faked, after all, and neither were his sunny smiles or quick thinking. Jensen was complicated, yes, but not a bad person.

He was, however, also pretty annoying. Even if Cougar had come to care for Jensen a great deal, he could still test Cougar's patience on an almost daily basis.

Like when Cougar was relaxing on the back porch, minding his own business, and Jensen showed up, looking for a conversation. Cougar didn't mind listening to Jensen talk — it was both fascinating and educational — but he wasn't too keen on replying.

"What's up?" Jensen asked.

Cougar couldn't see the look on Jensen's face, having pulled his hat down to shield his eyes, but he could imagine the boyish, charming smile he had to be wearing. Jensen was good at those — annoyingly so, in fact.

"You know I won't give up so you might as well answer."

Cougar knew that all too well, but he also knew that he was more patient than Jensen. Both of them were stubborn, sure, but Cougar's entire career was built on not moving or reacting to outward stimuli — Jensen wasn't much of a challenge in comparison.

Then again, Cougar should have taken into account that Jensen wasn't very good with boundaries or self-preservation.

He couldn't help glaring when Jensen crouched down next to the deck chair and lifted Cougar's hat so that their gazes could meet. Cougar wasn't in the mood to talk and he certainly didn't want Jensen to take such liberties — he had hidden his eyes for a reason.

Jensen stiffened, clearly having noticed his mistake. Cougar reached up to pull the hat back down again.

Everything happened so fast.

Jensen's eyes widened and he recoiled violently enough that he fell backwards, only barely avoiding landing flat on his back. It looked like it hurt and without thinking Cougar leaned forward, as if he would be able to help somehow.

Him moving only seemed to make things worse.

Jensen flinched and scrambled backwards, as if his life depended on getting as far away from Cougar as physically possible.

"I'm sorry!" Jensen's voice cracked. "Sorry!"

Cougar froze, staring at the way Jensen had turned away, as if to shield his face, his shoulders raised and body tense.  
  
"I promise I won't do it again. I promise." Jensen was pleading. That wasn't the kind of thing a grown man said when he had misbehaved — that was the heart wrenching fear of someone who had seen far too much pain and violence in their life, probably from a young age.

Jensen thought Cougar was going to hit him. Jensen genuinely thought that Cougar had been about to physically hit him.

Cougar couldn't breathe.

When Jensen looked up, his eyes wide, panicked, and so innocently blue it _hurt_ , Cougar had no idea what to do. The pieces were falling into place and the more Cougar understood, the tighter his chest felt.

Jensen stumbled to his feet, gaze flickering from one object to the other, but never once looking at Cougar. His arms were pressed tightly against his sides, as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible, the fear still evident in his posture.

"Bye," Jensen tossed out, before fleeing back into the house.

Cougar still didn't know what to do. He just sat there, staring, feeling more helpless than he had in years.

Suddenly, it all made sense — the way Jensen shut down in the face of physical violence, flinched away from sudden movements, and why he didn't let anyone see his true self. Jensen had all the signs of having grown up in a violent household.

Why hadn't Cougar seen that? He should have understood that Jensen's way of manipulating people wasn't just something he did for fun — it was how he stayed alive. The small flickers of insecurity when he couldn't control a situation had been outright fear, because he didn't know how to handle the world in any other way. He _had_ to be able to figure out what people wanted of him, because that was the only way he knew how to avoid a beating.

That was why he avoided Cougar. Jensen was afraid of him — Jensen thought Cougar might hurt him.

Cougar felt sick.

He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. He couldn't even blame Jensen for thinking that. Cougar _had_ lashed out, on top of refusing Jensen the security of knowing where they stood in relation to each other. Cougar made him feel unsafe. Jensen didn't want to touch him because he thought Cougar was dangerous.

Jensen was afraid of him.

Cougar placed a hand over his mouth and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. What had he done? How could he have let it go this far? Cougar didn't know if he had ever felt so ashamed. How had he not seen what was going on?

The only saving grace was that he might be able to salvage the situation. Maybe Jensen could come to trust him, if Cougar gave him a reason to do so. He could fix this.

Cougar allowed himself several long minutes to calm down and figure out what he wanted to say before he went to find Jensen. He knew that he was probably the last person Jensen wanted to see right now, but the look of fear on his face was etched into Cougar's memory and he had to know if he was okay.

Jensen had retreated to his room and Cougar took a slow, calming breath before knocking on the door. His chest ached from guilt, and it only got worse when it became obvious that Jensen wasn't going to open.

Cougar swallowed back the words burning on his tongue — the apologies and assurances that it wouldn't happen again. Cougar would never forgive himself if he made Jensen look that frightened again. Jensen clearly didn't want to talk to him, though, and he had every the right to shut Cougar out after what he did.

Cougar would just have to show Jensen instead of telling him.

He could fix this.

 

* * *

 

The second time Jensen touched Cougar's hat was the moment Cougar realized just how much Jensen cared about him.

Cougar had gotten shot and in the ensuing chaos he'd lost the hat. As much as he wanted to turn back and look for it, the bullet wound in his thigh and the pursuing gun runners took priority. He knew that material things were less important than the lives of his teammates, and Cougar couldn't slow his and Roque's pace down any more than he already was.

He had to leave the hat behind.

But then Jensen appeared out of nowhere, dropping the hat back onto Cougar's head without a word, before turning his attention back to the enemy. Cougar wasn't sure when or how Jensen had found the hat, amidst whistling bullets and Clay's barked orders, but he definitely knew _why_ Jensen had done it.

Jensen knew how much Cougar liked his hat.

Cougar couldn't find the words to express his gratitude, and with a painful jolt he realized that Jensen had already turned away, clearly not expecting any.

Jensen cared _so_ much, but obviously thought that Cougar didn't return the sentiment.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen wore the hat Cougar was so focused on keeping Jensen alive that he barely even reflected on it — at least not until Jensen pointed it out.

The mission had gone pear shaped from the very start and Jensen had managed the accomplishment of getting both shot and stabbed. The latter was just a flesh wound, thankfully enough, but blood was still oozing lazily from the hole in his chest. From what Cougar could tell the bullet had missed Jensen's lung — for which Cougar was very grateful — but Jensen had lost more blood than he could spare and wouldn't last long in the unforgiving heat.

They were moving as fast as they dared but it was difficult with Jensen's injuries, occasionally having to stop and double back due to the rough terrain. It was during one of these breaks — when Roque had gone ahead to find the easiest way down a rocky slope — that Cougar pulled off his hat and put it on Jensen's head instead. The trees had thinned out until they were in direct sunlight, and Cougar really didn't want Jensen to get a heat stroke on top of everything else.

Pooch had helped prop Jensen up against one of the bigger rocks, but it was difficult to tell if he was even conscious at that point. Cougar's hands were steady when he checked the haphazard bandages wrapped around Jensen's injuries, but his heart was racing from fear.

Jensen was in a really bad shape and Cougar wasn't prepared to lose him. Not now — not _yet_.

Cougar had tried to be friendlier towards Jensen, but it was an incredibly slow process. Mainly because Jensen had taken to avoiding him again, sometimes going as far as leaving the room when Cougar arrived. He acted like a skittish animal and Cougar had to grit his teeth every time Jensen shied away from him. Cougar didn't blame him — he really didn't — and never once tried to push harder when it might feel invasive.

The biggest priority was for Jensen to feel safe.

It got a little better once Jensen started talking again, though. He still liked to rant in front of Cougar, so Cougar did his best to show that it was welcome. Jensen stayed on a respectful distance at all times, but some of his enthusiasm had returned.

The progress might be slow, but there _was_ progress. Jensen was able to relax more and more in Cougar's presence, and eventually he might even begin to trust him.

As long as he survived their current mission, that was.

"How is he?" Clay asked.

Cougar ignored him, mostly because he didn't want to admit out loud that he wasn't sure if Jensen would make it. Not that he had to — Pooch understood what he wasn't saying, judging by the curses he spat out.

"Water," Cougar demanded, holding out his hand. He wasn't sure who handed him the canteen, too focused on the slight flutter of Jensen's eyelashes.

Cougar gently straightened Jensen's head. "Jensen. Drink."

It looked like it demanded an immense amount of effort for Jensen to open his eyes. His gaze was dull from pain, barely able to focus. He didn't say a word, but drank some of the water, to Cougar's great relief.

"We need to get going," Clay said, as if they weren't already aware of that. "We can call for emergency pickup if we make it to the clearing south from there."

Cougar gritted his teeth and focused back on Jensen, only to find him squinting suspiciously. Cougar wasn't sure what to make of that, until Jensen spoke up.

"Whers your hat?" Jensen was slurring so badly Cougar almost couldn't make sense of his words.

Once he did, Cougar realized that he had, in fact, given him his hat. That seemed like a very small thing to get stuck on, though, considering that Jensen was in danger of bleeding out in the middle of nowhere.

Still, Jensen had asked a question so Cougar reached out and flicked the brim of the hat, drawing Jensen's attention to it.

"Huh," was all Jensen said while staring up at the hat he was wearing — sounding awfully confused while doing so.

The smile that spread on his lips was frail and cracking around the edges.

"Hey, Cougar?"

Cougar couldn't not look at him. Fact was, he had to hold back his need to grab Jensen's hand, as if that would stop him from getting worse.

"If I die, could you do me a f-favor and pretend that you liked me on my funeral?" Jensen stuttered, his throat bobbing as he tried to swallow. "I think Jess would feel better if she gets to believe that I had f-friends."

Cougar felt himself go cold, horror spreading through his veins when he realized what Jensen was implying.

" _¿Qué?_ "

Was that what Jensen thought? That Cougar would have to _pretend_ to like him? When all Cougar could think about was that he would never, ever forgive himself if Jensen died on his watch. He shouldn't die, period. Cougar thought they had been making progress — that Jensen was beginning to see that Cougar really did want him around.

Truth be told, Cougar wasn't sure what he would do if Jensen _wasn't_ there.

If Cougar had been able to take Jensen's place he would have, in a heartbeat.

"Never mind. Stupid to a-ask." Jensen's voice wobbled, making the fear clutching Cougar's chest squeeze even tighter. That wasn't it at all — Cougar would do _anything_ Jensen asked of him. But he wouldn't have to pretend to like him on his funeral; if Jensen died, Cougar would mourn him with all of his heart.

Jensen closed his eyes. It looked far too much like he was giving up.

"You know," Jensen slurred, his hands lying motionless in his lap, "if there's one thing I regret it's how much you hate me..."

Cougar was surprised he was able to hold back the wounded noise growing at the back of his throat. How could Jensen be so wrong? How could he think that Cougar didn't care about him?

"Jensen, I don't hate you," Cougar hurried to say, desperation making his pronunciation sloppier than usual. "Jensen?"

There was no reply. Jensen's head had rolled to the side, his face unresponsive. Cougar's hand shot up, but even when he found the faint beat of a pulse, he couldn't bring himself to relax.

Was that was Jensen thought of him?

"What the hell was that?" Pooch asked from a couple of feet away, more confused than angry. "Why does Jensen think you hate him?"

A lump was growing in Cougar's throat and he couldn't swallow it down. He shook his head, staring at Jensen's pale face while trying to push down the guilt. Jensen's eyelashes were fanned against his cheekbones, making him look so much more vulnerable than should be allowed — he looked like he might break if Cougar wasn't careful.

But he already knew that, didn't he?

 

* * *

 

The first time Cougar left the hat with Jensen, he looked at Cougar as if he was insane. And yeah, Cougar wouldn't normally be doing something like that, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Jensen had barely survived his injuries and was confined to bed long enough that the higher ups deemed it better to substitute him for whatever missions the Losers might get in the meantime, rather than wait for his full recovery.

It took three weeks, but the Losers were eventually ordered to ship out without Jensen. So Cougar decided to leave him his hat, because Cougar didn't want Jensen to think, even for a second, that they weren't going to come back for him. No one could replace him. And Cougar wanted Jensen to know that he trusted him to keep the hat safe.

"You— _what_?" Jensen asked, voice pitched a little higher than usual.

Cougar gestured towards Jensen's bedside table, where he had placed the hat. "I'm leaving it here."

"But... why? You're going on a mission!"

Cougar held back an urge to roll his eyes. He knew that this must seem very strange to Jensen, especially if he thought that Cougar hated him.

That knowledge still sent a sharp spike of pain through Cougar's chest.

"You keep it safe," he said instead, trying to convey the importance of the gesture.

That backfired spectacularly when Jensen glanced nervously at the hat, then back up at Cougar — as if he couldn't decide what to be most afraid of. As if Cougar was trying to trick him into something that would inevitably end badly.

Jensen was beginning to look frightened again and Cougar felt his patience crumble.

"I don't think—"

"Why do you think I hate you?" Cougar interrupted. He didn't want Jensen to finish that sentence — he didn't want to hear the hesitation and fear in Jensen's voice.

Jensen swallowed, gaze turned downward, staring at his own lap.

"I don't really know..." He trailed off without giving a real answer.

"Are you afraid of me?" The words slipped out even if Cougar didn't want them to. He wasn't sure if he was prepared to hear Jensen's reply.

Jensen only shook his head, however, with none of the urgency of someone trying to lie. He still looked uncomfortable, sure, but not in a way that suggested dishonesty. Cougar had to take a slow breath to not get distracted by the rush of relief.

Jensen wasn't afraid of him — at least not anymore.

"Then why are you so worried?" Cougar asked carefully, feeling his heart squeeze when he saw how Jensen started plucking at his blanket. His hands moved jerkily, revealing just how nervous he was. It didn't suit Jensen to be nervous — he was supposed to smile and sprout random useless facts that made people shake their heads in fond exasperation.

"Because I don't know what you're trying to achieve," Jensen replied eventually, his voice weak. "I can't read you as well as I would like, so I don't know if you do it to punish me or mess with me or—"

Cougar knew he probably shouldn't have, but he couldn't help reaching out to touch Jensen's arm, making him flinch. Jensen was still averse to touching Cougar so he was definitely overstepping his bounds — possibly making him feel cornered — but the more Jensen spoke, the more it hurt.

Why did Jensen insist on believing that Cougar didn't like him?

"I don't hate you," Cougar said, with as much conviction as he could manage. He wrapped his fingers around Jensen's, giving them a gentle squeeze. He didn't pull away, which Cougar took as a good sign. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Jensen asked, sounding a little breathless.

Everything.

But Cougar couldn't very well say that — Jensen probably wouldn't be able to make sense of it anyway. It was better to start small.

"For making you believe I did." Cougar still wasn't sure how that had happened, but he was sorry that Jensen ever doubted how much he cared about him. They were teammates and if there was one thing Cougar knew for sure, it was that his life would be so much worse without Jensen in it.

Jensen stared down at their hands.

"I want us to be friends," he mumbled, a fetching shade of red rising on his cheeks. Cougar had to hold back a fond smile — Jensen was beyond adorable.

Instead he gave Jensen's hand another squeeze. "I will visit later."

Jensen looked up and Cougar started backing away. He needed to get ready for the mission, no matter how much he wanted to stay. Jensen would be more or less alone except for the nurses and doctors while the team was away, and Cougar knew just how restless Jensen could get without company.

There wasn't much to do about that, though, except assure him that Cougar would come back.

"You keep it safe," Cougar urged, nudging the hat.

Jensen stared up at him, understanding dawning slowly but surely. Cougar could see the moment Jensen caught on, in the way his lips opened slightly, but no words came out. He looked _awed_ — as if Cougar had given him something precious beyond compare. _Finally_ , Jensen understood.

His nod was a little shaky, but there was hope in those blue, blue eyes of his.

There was no stopping the swell of fondness in Cougar's chest and it was only through sheer force of will that he kept himself from returning to Jensen's bedside instead of heading for the door.

"We _are_ friends, Jensen," he said instead. Cougar wasn't good with words, but coupled with the hat, he hoped Jensen wouldn't doubt his sincerity. "I thought you knew that."

Jensen didn't seem to know how to reply, so Cougar gave him a soft nod before he turned and left. He vowed, then and there, that he wouldn't stop until Jensen knew how much Cougar cared about him — that he desperately wanted them to be friends was well, despite their rocky start.

And Cougar was nothing if not stubborn.

 

* * *

 

The third time Jensen touched the hat, Cougar knew he did so on purpose. He didn't mind, though, because Jensen never would have tried unless he felt confident that it was okay.

Jensen knew it was safe and that Cougar would never hurt him.

A lot of things changed when Cougar came back from the mission. Jensen seemed a little awkward and shy at first, but the hope was still there. Cougar spent hours at Jensen's bedside, just listening to him talk. The longer he sat there, the more enthusiastic Jensen became, his gestures getting bigger and his smile brighter — it was as if he was finally coming out of his shell, his confidence growing the more attention he got. He was so starved for it that it hurt to watch, and Cougar was glad that he was in a position to help.

They spent a lot of time with each other after that, and Cougar didn't mind that one bit.

Jensen was still a little cautious, maintaining a physical distance, and Cougar made sure not to rush him. The fact that Jensen was opening up more and more, letting Cougar see the real him, was more than enough. Cougar learned that Jensen really was goofy and annoyingly carefree sometimes, but also frighteningly intelligent and pretty fucking devious when he wanted to be. The latter was only ever used for pranks, however.

Deep down, Jensen was so unbelievably innocent. He had all the means to fuck things up royally for anyone he ran into, but the thought never even seemed to occur to him. He wanted to spread happiness, if anything, and Cougar could barely contain the affection growing in his chest. He had been so wrong about Jensen, and was incredibly grateful that he had been given a second chance to get to know him.

Eventually, Jensen grew confident enough to breach the physical distance between them. The touches were hesitant at first, as if Jensen wasn't sure it was safe to come that close. Cougar always made sure to smile in return, welcoming the closeness with more enthusiasm than he thought he would. The fact that Jensen felt safe enough to even try meant more than Cougar could ever express in words.

The first time Jensen touched him without the nervous pause, Cougar stopped breathing. The first time Jensen hugged him, wrapping him up tight without an ounce of hesitation, Cougar felt a lump in his throat — and letting go was so much more difficult than it should have been. The first time Jensen fell asleep with his head resting on Cougar's shoulder, Cougar realized he was done for — he had lost his heart to the beautiful, breathtaking man next to him.

He was so in love with Jensen that he didn't even know what to do with it all.

In the end, he welcomed whatever he could get. He had no idea if Jensen felt the same, but it was obvious that he was incredibly fond of Cougar by then, always standing as close as possible and always turning to him first. Somehow, they had gone from barely even interacting to being the centre of each other's worlds.

Cougar loved it — he loved _Jensen_.

Most people saw Cougar as calm and dependable, but it was only with Jensen that Cougar was able to find the kind of stability that made him able to truly relax. Cougar felt serene when he was with Jensen, and much more content than he had in years.

He trusted Jensen, in ways he didn't know he could trust another person, and he was pretty sure that Jensen had learned to trust him as well. Jensen never shied away from him anymore, and Cougar clung to that — to the comforting familiarity they shared — and would never stop being grateful to having been given the chance to set things right between them. Both of them were so much happier now, and it was a joy to watch Jensen grow more and more confident.

He was always the most beautiful when he was laughing and smiling.

Like the morning Cougar came into the kitchen to find Jensen grinning like a maniac and Pooch by the kitchen table, hiding his face in his hands. Cougar frowned softly at Pooch, before turning to Jensen.

"He's fine," Jensen said. Cougar rarely had to ask questions out loud nowadays — Jensen knew what he wanted without Cougar having to say a word.

"He's _not_ fine," Pooch replied, lowering his hands to glare at Jensen.

The innocent look on Jensen's face was all the proof Cougar needed that he was the reason for Pooch's indignation. What Jensen had done exactly, Cougar didn't know — and he figured it was best not to ask.

He was more focused on the fact that there was no coffee. Which in itself wasn't uncommon, but it was beginning to get frustrating that Cougar rarely got any, even if he was the one who had made it.

Jensen leaned closer, nudging Cougar's hat higher and catching his gaze.

"You can have mine," he offered, his smile warm and soft in that way that made Cougar's heart skip a beat.

But he wasn't an idiot — he knew Jensen was up to something. Cougar recognized the expectant look on his face, but didn't know the reason. In the end, Cougar decided to simply trust that Jensen hadn't spiked the coffee or something equally stupid, and accepted the offered cup.

" _Gracias_ ," he mumbled, before turning to leave.

He was halfway to the living room before he even realized that Jensen had touched the hat. _That_ was what it was about — Jensen wanted to see if Cougar would object. He clearly hadn't expected him to, though, what with the look that had been on his face.

Cougar smiled, shaking his head, but made no attempt to deny the warm, delighted feeling growing in his chest.

Jensen definitely wasn't afraid of him.

 

* * *

 

The first time Jensen took Cougar's hat from him, Cougar wasn't the least bit surprised.

The moment the door to his room opened, Cougar knew why Jensen had come. Partly because Jensen looked more nervous than he had in months, but also because of the slightly giddy but hopeful smile on his face.

Jensen was going to take the final step.

Cougar was well aware that his feelings were reciprocated by then, but he had been hesitant to be the one to broach the subject. Jensen needed to take this in his own pace, and Cougar was patient enough to wait.

Jensen walked over to the bed and took a seat next to Cougar, his hip warm against Cougar's thigh. If possible, Jensen always sat close enough that they were touching, as if he needed that point of contact to feel grounded. Cougar loved it.

He kept reading, waiting for Jensen to show that he was ready.

When Jensen reached for his hat, Cougar looked up. Jensen was nervous, his lips pressed tightly together, but he looked determined. He lifted the hat off of Cougar's head, setting it down in his lap instead. Cougar tilted his head to the side, holding back a smile. Jensen looked _adorable_ , his eyes a little wider than usual, but full of hope and excitement.

Their gazes met and Jensen smiled — that soft, beautiful smile that Cougar would never, ever be able to say no to.

"I have this theory," Jensen said, fingers running along the brim of Cougar's hat, "that I wouldn't be able to do this unless it's also okay for me to do another thing I really want to do. Have _been wanting_ to do, for weeks now."

Cougar knew exactly what that thing was — he had wanted it for weeks as well.

He closed his book, keeping his focus on Jensen. A part of him was worried that if he looked away, Jensen would lose his nerve and leave again. Cougar didn't want that.

When Jensen leaned forward to kiss him, Cougar was embarrassed to admit that he held his breath. The kiss was so soft and sweet that Cougar's heart almost broke. Jensen was so dear to him — precious beyond words — and Cougar wanted to pull him in, hold him close, and never, ever let go.

Jensen eventually leaned back, catching Cougar's gaze. "Okay?" he asked, gentle but hopeful.

Cougar's heart ached from love, so he smiled and reached up to run his thumb along Jensen's jaw. Jensen shivered under his touch, making warmth spread in Cougar's chest.

" _Sí_ ," he replied. They were more than okay.

Jensen grinned — wide and giddy — before leaning in for another kiss. This time, Cougar succumbed to his need to pull him closer, deepening the kiss and letting go of his book, to instead run his fingers through Jensen's hair.

Everything was perfect.

 

* * *

 

The first time Cougar gave the hat to Jensen for him to wear — without either of them being in mortal peril of some kind — Jensen was taken completely by surprise.

They were in their house on base, Jensen having just beaten Pooch in a game of Mario Kart. Jensen was absolutely insufferable about it, as expected, but the way he was smiling, wide and happy, just made Cougar want to kiss him silly. The only reason he didn't was because Pooch was in the room. He probably wouldn't report them, but it was better not to tempt fate.

Cougar wasn't even sure why he plucked the hat from his own head and dropped it onto Jensen's — perhaps because it seemed like a good reward for his hard work.

Cougar stood behind the couch, leaning forward with his elbows braced against the back, but he still saw the way Jensen froze. Even Pooch paused where he sat further down on the couch, looking at Jensen, then at Cougar.

A second passed before Jensen turned his head, staring up at Cougar with an awed look on his face — as if Cougar had just done something amazing. The intensity of that look almost made him uncomfortable.

"So what does that mean?" Pooch asked, amusement evident in his voice.

Cougar had no idea what Pooch was referring to, but Jensen smiled. Not the big, wide smile he'd had just seconds ago, but a soft, heartbreakingly frail one that made Cougar want to cradle Jensen's face in his hands and place tender kisses on his lips.

"It means he loves me," Jensen said, looking a little dazed but unmistakably happy.

Cougar forgot how to breathe. Jensen wasn't wrong — Cougar _did_ love him, more than he could ever express — but he hadn't known Jensen was aware of it. They were together now, yes, but hadn't really found the proper moment to say those precious little words before.

Jensen reached up, his fingertips brushing against Cougar's chin. His smile was still soft and affectionate, his eyes filled with so much love and devotion that he didn't actually have to say anything. He still did, because this was Jensen and he was fond of words — and Cougar didn't mind having it out there in the open.

"I love you too, Cougs."

Pooch was kind enough to look the other way when Cougar leaned down for a deep, searing kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) was super amazing and did a beta of this on really short notice, so give her some love <3 
> 
> Also, if you're interested, you can find my Tumblr [HERE](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/)


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